Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
