Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I touched a dick in church today
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
