I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
