last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
