remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
