I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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