i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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