Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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