Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
