Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She announced her abortion via fbk
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
