420 ftw
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
