I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
