hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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