Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
