My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Sober January is a disaster.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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