I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
