i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
