Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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