I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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