The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I have fence marks all over my body
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
