Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Randomize
