I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
