My Higher Power is John Stamos
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
