He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
