this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Green mimosas i think yes
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
