I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
