just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
