My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
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