A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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