if i can run in heels then i can drive
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
