I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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