So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Success! We fucked roommates!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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