i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I have fence marks all over my body
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
