if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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