Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She told me I should be a condom model.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
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