I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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