if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
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