Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
