i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
