Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
