pop tarts are not kleenex
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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