mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
