Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
