Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
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This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
how does that bad decision feel?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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