Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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