I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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