True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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