White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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