i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
