SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
