put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Randomize
