Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
