i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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