I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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