I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
