I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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