my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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