is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
