I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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